


Don't Blame Yourself, Now

by GhostTEETH



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Depression, Healing, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Nonbinary Benrey (Half-Life), Nonbinary Character, Songfic, Suicide Attempt, They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26910769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostTEETH/pseuds/GhostTEETH
Summary: Benrey has to be honest, but the truth hurts more than they could realize. And there are many truths in the world.Also, sorry to the regular Half-Life fans. We all have to accept the tags won't get separated, RIP.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Tommy Coolatta/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 102





	Don't Blame Yourself, Now

**Author's Note:**

> I have been listening to Goodbye To A World by Porter Robinson on loop for days now because it's the mood. And I am projecting heavily onto Benrey at this point. This is basically me writing my life for the last week and a half, but Benrey is going through it this time. And Benrey gets a happy ending.

_Don't blame yourself._

The thought crept up in their head, and Benrey promptly shut it down. Who else was to blame? This was all on them. They were the only one who did this.

Gordon and Tommy were busy admiring Bubby's new tattoo, a waveform of Dr. Coomer saying, "Don't fuck with the Science Team." Benrey wanted to go up, look at it, but the knowledge that they weren't part of it, part of the Science Team, swam through their head, and they stayed put at the other end of the table. The grain of the wood kept their attention for as long as it could, and then the pattern of the grain. Did they have their phone? Maybe they could play a game on their phone. Was it charged? They could plug it in. Maybe they could just leave. Say they were tired? How could they-

"Benrey?"

Benrey looked up, Gordon with his hand _dangerously close_ to Benrey's, the others staring at them.

_Freak freak you're such a freak you're such a freak **you're such a freak**_

Play it cool.

"Huh."

_Absolutely fucking stellar save._

"Are you ok?" Gordon said, his voice soft. His hand moved slightly closer to Benrey's, and Benrey quickly pulled theirs back. "Sorry- I, are you ok with being touched?"

Benrey looked back at the table. Why did this have to happen? They weren't supposed to be here. They were supposed to be somewhere _else_ , not here. Not interrupting the fun. Not being a nuisance. Why were they here? Why did G-Man pull this bullshit, fucking cringe and now they were stuck. G-Man should've understood, should've _known-_

"Benrey, you're acting like you're going to have another seizure. Do you need help?" Dr. Coomer piped up, getting close.

Benrey tried to shrink back in their chair, wanting to clip straight through the floor. They weren't able to clip or do much anymore, and they didn't know when they could again, but oh, boy, did they wish they could. Maybe they could negotiate. Give me my shit back, dude, major sucks for me to not do anything. I'm like an NPC that can't aim a gun.

Gordon sat in the chair next to Benrey, Tommy on the other side.

_You're bothering them. You see what you did? You've caused so many problems. Always causing problems, fucking idiot. You never should've existed, you're one of the biggest fucking mistakes to exist._

Tommy was petting Sunkist, though his eyes were locked to Benrey. "Sunkist- Sunkist knows you're not feeling good!" Benrey glanced at Sunkist. Traitor. Sunkist looked at them, her eyes bright. Ugh. How could they stay mad at the perfect dog? They couldn't. Next question.

Bubby plopped down in his chair, nearly rolling his eyes as he did so. "They don't even know if it was a seizure. Could've been anything. From what I saw, looked like you'd taken a lot of something."

A black bubble escaped Benrey as they squeaked. It floated up, all eyes watching it as it shimmered before popping, sludge evaporating into the air. Tommy immediately looked at Benrey.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_

Everyone else looked between Tommy and Benrey, who were locked in a staring match. Benrey wanted to escape, now. Tommy looked hostile. Would Tommy hurt them? No, well. Maybe? Tommy wouldn't, they didn't think. Maybe he'd just freak out? Oh no. If Tommy freaked out, then Gordon would be mad at Benrey. Dr. Coomer might hit them, or Bubby would yell? They'd all leave. Fuck. They'd all leave and never come back. Benrey would be all alone. Gordon and Tommy would break it off with them, they'd be alone, they'd have no one and they'd have to be stuck in their limbo forever. They fucked up, they always fucked up, and now the universe was showing them how much they fucked up. They wished they'd stayed dead. They wished they'd succeeded in dying.

Black bubbles shimmered all around as tears streamed down Benrey's face. They stared at the table as the tears even started to turn into black bubbles, their body shaking and their hands falling into their lap. A claw began to tear at their knuckles, a habit they knew that Gordon didn't like, but why would Gordon even like them anyways?

"Benrey, talk to us. Talk to me. What's going on?" Gordon's voice was soft, his palm on the table, unmoving, but there if Benrey wanted to grab.

"Uh- not much, just uh. You know. Hahhaha, that fail. Fail mental illness, super cringe moment, top ten Benrey fail moments, you know. Super cringe, just tookabunchofpillsbecausewhatsthepointoflivingiwishihadneverbeenbornbecause _nothing ever FUCKING MATTERS WHEN YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE OR DESERVE ANYTHING GOOD EVER AT ALL AHAHAHHAHAHAH"_

They couldn't stop laughing, their hands gripping and pulling at their hair as the pain flooded them over and over and over. They wanted out, they wanted to be done. Because now they knew, they all knew the truth about their shit, their garbage they hated bothering people with, how horrible they were.

Hands grabbed Benrey's, and Benrey shot away, stumbling out of their chair to the floor, where they sat and fell completely silent, staring at their hands. "I wish I'd never been born." They whispered softly, laughing to themselves as they buried their face in their hands, wishing with every single bit of their body.

"I'm going to grab your hands, okay?" Tommy whispered, enclosing the being's hands in his own. Gordon was next to him, reaching and Benrey grabbed onto one.

"It's my fault that everyone hurts." Benrey whispered.

"No." Gordon said, his voice firm, almost commanding. Benrey shook his head. "No. It's not." Gordon said, softer this time.

_Don't blame yourself._

"Everyone fucks up. Your existence isn't a fuck up." Bubby said, sitting in front of Benrey. An unspoken "dumbass" was there, which they all knew. Dr. Coomer hugged Benrey tight, patting them on the back before pulling away.

"We're happy you're here. We wouldn't have invited you if we didn't want you."

Benrey started to shake again. Gordon opened his arms, and Benrey fell into them. Tommy wrapped his arms around both, and the hug was quickly joined by Dr. Coomer and Bubby.

"I'm glad you're alive." Gordon whispered.

"I'm not." Benrey mumbled.

"We'll be happy for you, then." A long pause. "We'll be ok, love."

_We'll be ok_.

_We will surround you, give life to a world that's our own._

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, to answer the inevitable question, I'm not okay at ALL, but it truly do be like this.


End file.
